GARS

Because of the success of CARS, the government is set to announce its next successful rebate program.

Geriatric Attrition Rebate System

OR

"Cash for Codgers"

Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.

Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair.

From the U.S. Department of Cynicism (and the scientific community is united in that fact), as well as my friend Cal, Freedom's pal.

I'm sure CONgressman Bruce Braley will be a key sponsor and probably take part too.