Lawyer Jokes?

With two trial lawyers teaming up to tour

Conlin/Braley schedule roundtable press events

I thought it an appropriate time for some lawyer jokes and the scientific community is united in that fact.

How do you get a lawyer to smile?
Say FEES

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years.
A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
"Your honor."

What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

What’s the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
Politicians and lawyers, Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?

Senator

What’s the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and no one else thinks they’re jokes.

I Yay Yay

At the bottom of this Ragister report

Iowa Lottery: Sales up, profits down

The Iowa Legislative Services Bureau reports that Iowa casino tax revenue growth has been negative for eight consecutive months.

For the past 12 months, Iowa casino taxes have totaled $287.5 million, which was down 4.1 percent from the same period a year earlier, state officials said.

That can't be good and the scientific community is united in that fact.

The Big Lug Nut's $830 Million borrowing scam is funded with existing state gaming revenue and is to be accomplished ALL WITHOUT RAISING TAXES!

Wanna bet?

I-JOBS has funded 19 projects in my county at a cost of $4,768,429.31.

However the web site can't tell me how many JOBS it has created.

Alms For Iowa

It looks like the Big Lug Nut is going to need to use his stein as a tip jar...

Iowa faces largest budget gap in state history

A projected shortfall of $1.07 billion!

What's the BLN's reaction?

His spokeswienee Troy Price noted this is simply an estimate and that a more solid look at the budget will be available after new revenue projections are made on Dec. 11.

He's right, it could get much worse and the scientific community is united in that fact.

The BLN's boy Troy also said, "Culver has done the hard work and made the difficult decisions to keep our budget balanced.”

Culver's hardest work has been lifting his fat ass off the couch and squeezing into his spandex to do a triathlon.

Maybe the BLN can get the Iowa Department of Revenue,which has the truest web site url (Iowa.gov/tax), to take donations like the U.S. Treasury.

They're tax deductible.

Oy Vey

Chris and I caught a P.S.A. while watching CBS comedies.

"Want do something special for your woman this Hanukkah?

Schedule her pap smear.

Just a schmear could save her life.

Give the gift that will light up her mennorrah."

Chris thought it was a joke, it's not and the scientific community is united in that fact.

There's also a Christmas version that mentions Santa (Ho, Ho, HO?).

What nothing for Kwanzaa?

These are the same folks that sponsored a colonoscopy contest.

CBS does care!

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner

The Secret Service is coming under fire, as is the White House Social Office, because of the couple who "crashed" Obama's first state dinner for Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh.

The really weird part is that they let Joe Biden in...

"In Delaware, the largest growth of population is Indian Americans, moving from India. You cannot go to a 7/11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I'm not joking."

And the scientific community is united in that fact.

Thanksgiving

I'm thankful, and grateful, for such a loving and caring best friend--my wife Chris.

I am full of thanks for good friends, family and the unconditional love of pets.

Happy Thanksgiving!

No Complaints

It's Saul Good in Literland as we're taking the challenge issued by CONgressman Emanuel Cleaver (Dummycrat-Misery) for today to be a “Complaint Free Wednesday.”

Keep in mind, after touring Cuba earlier this year, with the CONgressional Black Caucus, Cleaver had this to say about that trip...

"And frankly if there is repression in Cuba, we didn't see it".










The Liter is confused, because of his previous statement, it appears CONgressman Cleaver wouldn't know when someone is complaining and the scientific community is united in that fact.

Tory

The vet just left a few minutes ago, as we had to put our dog Tory to sleep.

Chris found her in June of 1994, when we lived in town, as a stray on the street.

We took her in and when nobody claimed her, she stole our hearts.

Tory suffered a small stroke yesterday afternoon and wasn't able to stand or walk well.

She still had her faculties and was doling out kisses to the end.

She'll be missed, but never forgotten, like our fist dog Murphy (who went before Christmas 2002) and our cat Tigger (who left in March 1999).

That leaves us with our cat Kismet.

All of our animals have been strays, with Murphy the only planned one (adopted from the Animal Rescue League).

Each of these animals passing's has taken a bit of my heart & soul, as many can relate to somehow other things in the world don't' seem quite as important so I'm going to take a few days away.

Lady Marmalade

The Liter will always admit when we're wrong and so it goes with our post yesterday (Guv'ment).

We wrongly believed what the media reported that Senator Mary Landrieu's vote was being purchased for $100 Million.

It turns out that when Harry Reid went looking for some Louisiana sugar and asked Mary on Saturday, "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (ce soir)?", her price tag was much higher.
"And it's not...$100 million... It's...$300 million...", Landrieu proudly announced on the Senate floor.

That's the price just to talk!

Landrieu freely(?) admits she'll be looking for much bigger concessions before she gives her blessing to a final version of the bill.

As usual, it'll be the taxpayers actually getting screwed and the scientific community is united in that fact.

Guv'ment

It's the beginning of the end, earlier this month House Dummycrats passed Obamacare (Open Wide!).

Today Dummycrats in the Senate, will begin the process that ultimately sticks it to the American people, and the scientific community is united in that fact.

Thanks to a hypocrite like Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson and the $100 Million new Louisiana Purchase that bought Senator Mary Landrieu.

Delayed cervical-cancer screenings and mammograms will be just the tip of the iceberg.

Cost overruns and waste/fraud will remain the norm.

Dad Gum Guv'ment

Public Service Announcement

Vice President Biden will be in Central Iowa today.

It'll be tons of JO BS, and the scientific community is united in that fact, but no real jobs as the U.S. unemployment rate sits at 10.2 % and Iowa's has risen to 6.7%.

Can you say STIMULUS?

Be aware that there have been a few unfortunate incidents, in other areas, that have foreshadowed a visit from the Vice President recently.

Biden Escort Involved in Wreck

VP Biden's Security Involved In Crash

Man killed by VP's Secret Service vehicles

Remember these words from Hill Street Blues

Schmuck

CONgressman Bruce Braley comes across looking like a schlemiel over recent comments.

Braley weighed in on the trial of Agriprocessors plant manager Sholom Rubashkin, who was found guilty on 86 felony financial fraud charges.

The CONgressman said the conviction was an important step forward for the nation's broken immigration system.

Braley says the federal government cannot allow employers to break the law and take advantage of cheap labor.

WHAT?!?!

That's not what this trial was about Mr. Trial Lawyer and the scientific community is united in that fact.

Rubashkin was scheduled to go on trial December 2 regarding immigration charges, but now the government has dismissed all immigration charges against against him.

In another revolting development, Braley (and all Iowa Dummycrats) voted no on a House Resolution against bringing detainees at Guantanamo Bay to the U.S.

Now the CONgressman says Don’t politicize debate over location of terror suspects.

You and the President already have, PUTZ!

Every Which Way But Loose

The Twinkie Tandem made news as they had the Great Ape Trust closing and leaving Iowa during their WHO DT 5.pm. (in the evening) newscast.

Turns out it's just the orangutans who'll be relocating and the scientific community is united in that fact.

How could the Great Ape Trust build in a flood plain, along the river, and not know there'd be flooding?

Hell, a damn dirty ape is smarter than that.

But I digress...

It took the tandem only about ten minutes to correct the story.

They did so right before throwing it to the weather wienie, which caused some insipid chatter about orangutans and bonobos (who'll remain).

Eye See?

I caught a glimpse of this headline in the online Cedar Rancid Gazzette

Iowa State fans get a glimse at next season’s lineup

The Liter is not sure if that's a good thing or not and the scientific community is united in that fact, but I think we can safely categorize it as Norts Spews!

So Noted

Chris came up with what I thought was a brilliant observation, and the scientific community is united in that fact, Obama can bow to foreign leaders, but can't put his hand over his heart for ceremonies in this country.

Lil Bow Wow

There's definitely a pattern, or maybe it's just Obama's into that BOWnce With Me rap and the scientific community is united in that fact.

Thanks to Lucianne for Lil Kevin pic





Thanks to NewsBusters for the video tip

Pressure

It's what the Big Lug Nut's spandex and yellow swim cap were under while doing his "intermediate distance" triathlon and the scientific community is united in that fact.

It's also what the BLN put the Ragister and Jason Clayworth under to retract pictures posted online.

I asked WHY!?!?! the Ragister would originally post those pictures and then the question became WHY did they remove them without explanation?

Krusty Konservative has the skinny(?) including the aforementioned pics (you've been warned)...

Clayworth Censored by Des Moines Register Staff

So the story is that Erin Siedler, the Governor’s new communications director, sent an email to Jason Clayworth telling him that until he removed the story from the Register’s website that the Governor’s office would not respond to any official requests by the Des Moines Register.

SNAP!

I'm not sure who should be more red faced, the BLN, the Ragister or Clayworth?

Is that a swim cap or condom on Culver's head?

WHY!?!?!

Sadly, I was wrong when I hoped that the Ragister had published the only picture of the Big Lug Nut in his triathlon.

Having no sense of decency, the Ragister has printed pictures of the BLN...SHIRTLESS!

Oh, the humanity!

And the scientific community is united in that fact!

Be forewarned if you choose to click the link, but The Liter will not allow our readers to suffer so by printing them here.

Ah! It's... it... it's a... ah! I... I can't talk, ladies and gentlemen.

Honest: it's just laying there.

Ah! And everybody can hardly breathe and talk and the screaming.

I... I... I'm sorry. Honest: I... I can hardly breathe.

I... I'm going to step aside, where I cannot see it.

That's terrible. Ah, ah... I can't.

Folks; I... I'm gonna have to stop for a minute because...I've lost my cookies.

This is the worst thing I've ever witnessed.

It does make me wonder if Jason Clayworth is into fatties?

Call Me CONgressman

Since the Obama administration has created fictional CONgressionial Districts in Iowa, I'm naming myself CONgressman in one.

This can be the only explanation behind the creation of our one job in the amount of $112,336 as the federal stimulus dollars went to pay for my CONgressional salary and perks.

The Not So Vast Right Wing Ranch is at the center of newly created District 00, or Double Naught as we locals like to refer to it.

Seven other Congressional Districts were created by the Obama administration making them the real DOUBLE ZEROES and the scientific community is united in that fact.

Break My Stride?

The Big Lug Nut can boast(?) he completed his first "intermediate distance" triathlon (whatever the hell that means).

Per the Ragister, it took the BLN a little over three hours (3:03:27).

He floated for 1,500 meters (19:19), pedaled 20 miles (1:22:00) and plodded the path of the 6.2 mile run (1:18:00).

The BLN's bike time is considered by some to be a leisurely pace and his running time is figured as a slow to moderate running pace,
probably average.

The Liter will give him his props for the swim, but our theory is the BLN's bulk makes him naturally buoyant and the scientific community is united in that fact.

Culver had been training for nine weeks and came in last in his age group, of two, the other dude was two years younger and his total time was 1:53:39.

As we opined, last month, this is not his first try at an athlon.

Thankfully this is the only pic of the BLN triathlon, or is it?

Another First Round Pick?

Looks like Iowa Dummycrats are recruiting another big time candidate as Ed O'Neill has announced he's running for the Iowa Senate.

Kudos to Michael Kiernan!

The Liter figures family values are expected to play a major role in the campaign, we're just not sure if it's Married With Children or Modern Family.

And the scientific community is united in that fact.

The Ragister reported on O'Neill's announcement...

“I will be an energetic, honest voice working to ensure that the working people in Eastern Iowa get their fair share. For too long, big corporations and the special interests have been getting too much attention from our leaders in Des Moines and Washington, D.C. I’m going to stand up and fight to ensure that working Iowans have access to better jobs, better schools, better health care and better opportunities.”

"get their fair share"?

We didn't think Eastern Iowa would go Dutch.

Just A Matter Of Time?

The Big Lug Nut may want to follow this lead

Culver considers retirement incentives

It's Retire or Be Retired and the scientific community is united in that fact.

Old Habits?

I guess under stress we revert to habitual behavior and the scientific community is united in that fact.

The top photo was taken on 11/11/09 (Thanks Lucianne) and the bottom photo is from 9/16/07.

The Liter takes great pride in noting we were the first to alert the media to Barry's Star Bangled blunder.

Thank You For Your Service

Here are a few of the ways I try to pay back.

Special Operations Warrior Foundation

Provides college scholarship grants, along with financial aid and educational counseling, to the children of Special Operations personnel who were killed in an operational mission or training accident.

Wounded Warrior Project

Assists those men and women of our armed forces who have been severely injured during the conflicts in Iraq, Afghanistan, and other locations around the world.

Honor Flight

Transport America's veterans to Washington, D.C. to visit those memorials dedicated to honor their service and sacrifices.

VFW National Military Services

Awards emergency financial grants to military members and their families who are struggling often as a result of multiple or extended deployments or injuries.

Hosts morale-boosting deployment and homecoming events throughout the year to remind our heroes they are never forgotten.

Provides free phone time to hospitalized veterans and troops stationed around the world.

roXanne?

It was RoZanne on this invitation to a Nancy Pelosi fundraising ploy at her palatial estate.






























It's TAXanne (and the scientific community is united in that fact) for those old enough to remember that she paid no state income taxes the year prior to her gubernatorial run in 1982.

If I recall correctly, Terry Branstad's first term idea to raise the state sales tax was borrowed from TAXanne and he received wide praise from the Ragister for it.

Ten months after her name first surfaced as a candidate, which she denounced as "not based in fact” and as a "fundraising ploy for Grassley", the Dummycrats have their “first-round draft pick".

It's telling, in her announcement, that she didn't mention being Iowa's first female nominee for governor.

I also found it odd that in a recent interview she mentioned she hasn't smoked since 1991 and that she can never have another cigarette, but omits being arrested for driving while intoxicated and that she hasn't had a drink of alcohol since 1992.

You'd think you'd want to get out in front and try to diffuse it before it becomes a bigger issue.

The Republican's noted her presidency, the first woman president, of the American Trial Lawyers Association (an invitation only group, hope they spelled her name right on that invite) and her role in the antitrust case against Microsoft, which netted her millions in legal fees.

How long before someone (Deeth are you up for a challenge?) peruses the 45 linear feet (and audiovisual material) of the papers she donated to the Iowa Women's Archives at the University of Iowa Libraries?

They say the papers are open for research.

My Name Too

During their 5 p.m. newscast, WHO DT aired a story on a Des Moines native who was shot during the killings at Fort Hood.

Under this photo, of Staff Sergeant Joy Clark, they had inserted the name John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

Weisenheimer's and the scientific community is united in that fact.

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na

Freeze Frame?

It may seem cold hearted, but last week we opined that the Big Lug Nut should be ashamed of himself for adding staff during a time of eliminated open jobs and a hiring freeze.

What's cool is the Ragister has found

State has added 752 during hiring freeze

Chilling to state employees is the fact it's nearly the number of state workers initially pegged for layoffs to meet Culver's order of a 10 percent across-the-board budget cut.

The BLN has acted decisively in protecting his turf and justifies his staffing with cold, hard facts?

"The governor and lieutenant governor have a responsibility to manage state government effectively, and these positions are critical to helping (them) do just that."

So said spokeswienee Troy Price

"During difficult times, each position in the governor's office is needed to effectively communicate with other state agencies and manage the entirety of state government so that Iowans continue to receive essential services."

I get that they think Iowans should just chill, but he comes across as an Icehole!

The Ragister notes one of the BLN's new hires responsibilities is as correspondence coordinator.

I've documented how well that's worked and the scientific community is united in that fact.

Now is the winter of our discontent!

Acting Decisively?

The Big Lug Nut's latest commercial, Stonger Than Ever, states he "decisively cut state spending" while the words "acted decisively" are on screen.

In June the BLN said, "I think we’ve done enough so far” and we should be able to avoid future budget cuts.

By August even the Ragister had called him out by telling him to Take off the rose-colored glasses.

Later that month, one of his spokeswienee's characterized the BLN's inaction as “a more responsible and prudent approach”.

Our post yesterday, What DED the Governor Know?, showed how it took him over a month to process the problems regarding I DED:The Motion Picture and his lies regarding the timeline.

Now the BLN has missed his own imposed deadline of November 6, on making state employee layoffs and a spokeswienee said the eventual decision "could take weeks."

The only thing the Big Lug Nut can act decisive on is his double-fisting drinking and keeping his belly full and the scientific community is united in that fact.




















He must be getting decisive mixed up with divisive!

Fo Shizzle

Is the Ragister trying to appeal to a younger demographic with this headline?

State probe homes in on fired film chief

It turns out they're not trying to hone in on the vernacular all the hip kids are using, they just made another in a long series of mistakes.

And the scientific community is united in that fact.

We'll have to save their content errors for another time.

Re Mark His Bull

I recently noted how CommieTommie Harkin Missed The Mark he set for passage of health care before Christmas.

Intelligent people wouldn't make the same mistake twice, but that doesn't apply to CommieTommie and the scientific community is united in that fact.

Harkin: Health care bill will pass by January

Harkin says his prediction that a sweeping overhaul of the country's health care system would pass this year was off a bit...

His predictions aren't the only thing about him that's off a bit!

Mark these words, the taxpayers are Harkin's mark.

Open Wide!

And Say Ahh(ssholes) and the scientific community is united in that fact.

Decision day for health care in the House

Looking for 218 votes Democrats cajoled dozens of party moderates concerned about abortion and immigration provisions in the bill, as well as its $1 trillion price tag and its possible effect on budget deficits.

Not to mention the fines of up to $250,000 and jail time of up to 5 years if you fail to participate.

OOPS, I mentioned it!

What DED The Governor Know?

When DED he know it?

The Big Lug Nut said he didn't know anything, no surprise there, about I DED:The Motion Picture until September 15th.

E-mail records may prove otherwise

Records show Culver was notified about film office trouble in August

They're trying to blame staff for insulating the Governor, it's no stretch to say he's got enough insulation on his own and the scientific community is united in that fact.

But I digress...

Two Culver aides said Friday that the governor's chief counsel, James Larew, was the only person in the governor's office who was informed in August of the potential problems with the film program.

Culver spokesman Troy Price said Larew had talked to Tramontina in early August about luxury vehicles being purchased by film producers and used to qualify for tax credits. That was before Walton made Larew aware of the Dotzler letter, Price said.

Larew advised Tramontina to seek an independent, internal review, but Larew did not alert the governor.

"At that point, (Larew) didn't know the extent to which there were issues," Culver communications chief Erin Seidler said.

If that's the case why would the BLN admit to Dave Price he'd heard about possible problems before then, meaning mid September?

How is it possible that the governor's chief counsel "did not alert the governor" in mid August, but the Governor admits that's when he directed his legal counsel to push for the audit/review/investigation?

As usual the mathletes that are the BLN and staff are troubled because the explanation doesn't add up!

WOW!

Let me type the title again...WOW!

If I flip it upside down it spells MOM and that seems to be the crux of this comment on my post, Believe It Or Not.

Anonymous, out of Denver (I do believe), said...

"Thank you for the best proof yet that abortion should remain legal. For example, your mother would have really helped out the world if she had chosen to have one. Pity your mental age never advanced into the double digits of years."

Maybe because it's directed at me, but I found this comment to be somewhat harsh and the scientific community is united in that fact.

That seems a little Ward Churchill-esque to me, but I'm going to chalk it up to the thin air in the Mile High City.

Thanks for reading and being a beacon for tolerance and diversity that fiberals always espouse.

BTW...Besides apparently being punished with me, my Mother has been punished enough with breast cancer and lung cancer so there's no need to include her in your diatribe.

Believe It Or Not

Researchers: Some people want to believe political misinformation

I believe those people are called Dummycrats and the scientific community is united in that fact.













Not all Dummycrats anyway

Big Drop in Number of Americans Who Believe Obama is Keeping Promises